


coming home

by soonhan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Chickens, Confessions, Drinking, Holidays, Karaoke, Kissing, Light Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Returning Home, Snowball Fight, mention of woncheol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22447543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soonhan/pseuds/soonhan
Summary: After spending four years away in Japan for school, Soonyoung finally comes back home. Only things are different now- his friends are older, he's older. They aren't the high school kids they used to be.But some things remain the same. Some things never go away. Things like love, longing, and memories.Some things remain, to come home to.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Kim Mingyu, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Yoon Jeonghan, Lee Seokmin | DK/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Comments: 13
Kudos: 94





	coming home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seokkwan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seokkwan/gifts).



> happy birthday!!! i know this is late (like, i was supposed to finish this last year late and also a day late) but i hope you like it anyway!! i can't believe this is finally done, and i know it also kind of takes place at christmas and that's a month gone but oh well kjhdfgjk

The airport feels altogether familiar and foreign to him. It’s been a while since he’s stepped foot in it after all. Quite a while. His rolling case bumps over the floor behind him, and just outside he can see snow starting to fall. His heart leaps at the sight, and his steps speed up. He can already see the light-lined streets at night, the delicate blanket of snow muting the city.

The air is crisp when he finally steps foot outside, and it hits his nose like the first sip of champagne. He never had that until Japan, and it makes his nose wrinkle in surprise. He takes a moment to let snow collect on his palm. It melts quickly, disappearing into his skin.

“Kwon Soonyoung!” He’s given a second’s warning before he’s nearly bowled over. He’s bent forward until he’s staring at concrete, and feels a pair of arms loop tightly around his middle. “I nearly didn’t recognize you!”

He would recognize that voice anywhere, and when he’s finally able to straighten up and turn around he’s met with Seokmin’s beaming smile. He hugs him properly then, as if he’s trying to squeeze the life out of him.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, “I guess I did change my hair.”

Seokmin’s laugh booms through him, and it’s so infectious that he can’t help but laugh too.

Five years away, and it doesn’t feel like a single day has passed.

———

“So you’re finally back,” Seokmin says, turning his blinker on and turning into a residential area.

Soonyoung taps his thigh. Yeah, it feels almost too surreal.

“How was Japan? Did she treat you well?” Seokmin glances over at him, his smile warm. It’s always warm, even if Soonyoung knows he’s been on the verge of tears several times since they met at the airport. He’s right there with him. He’s feeling a lot, and some of it is conflicting.

The entire time he was in Japan, he missed home, but as his last day there approached he couldn’t help but cling to the life of the cities. Where he had no time to truly live there during his schooling, he was suddenly granted the freedom to take it all in— he knew his teachers held some sympathy for him, knowing he only had precious time left. In a way, Japan would always have a part of his heart now.

But home— home means family, and reuniting with friends he hasn’t seen since high school. Friends like Seokmin who never let him forget they were waiting for him to come back. Friends who never forgot a birthday. Friends who called him late into the night just to let him know they were thinking of him.

He can feel tears starting to well up again, and blinks quickly to fight them back.

Luckily, they reach his new apartment before he has a chance to get too caught up in his head, and Seokmin and him start to unload his things into the place. There’s a couple boxes that made it here before he did, courtesy of his parents, and he can see that they’re lovingly labelled with things like “plates” and “towels?” He’ll have to double-check that one later.

Seokmin takes a cursory look around the place, resting his arm on the entrance hall table.

“It’s a nice place,” he says, nodding in approval. He looks at Soonyoung again. “You know, if you need any help unpacking, I can stop by tomorrow, maybe bring Minghao too.”

If Soonyoung could be any more grateful for Seokmin, he thinks he might end up building a shrine for him out back. He pulls Seokmin into a hug again, tightly, like he could somehow convey his love and appreciation through constriction alone.

“I’d love that, Seok. Come after noon though, I think I need a good sleep to get through the jet lag,” he says, pulling back and squeezing Seokmin’s arm. Seokmin’s mouth twists up in amusement.

“The time difference between here and Japan shouldn’t have given you any jet lag,” he replies, and Soonyoung grins up at him.

“That’s just my excuse to sleep in for as long as I can.” And he fully intends to. Unpacking could wait for just a little while longer, and especially when he had two extra pairs of hands coming to help him out.

He sees Seokmin off with a wave at his front door, and then he’s alone in his apartment. He hardly has time to process it before his stomach growls. It’s almost 6 PM on the dot, so he has to commend its punctuality. He grabs his keys and his wallet and gets back into the coat and boots he pretty much just got out of, then heads into the streets.

It’s dark now, streetlights illuminating his path while he checks his phone for the nearest chicken place. It feels so familiar, and it’s maybe for that reason it makes his heart ache just a little. He tucks his phone in his pocket and keeps walking, looking up at the stars through the barren tree branches.

When he reaches the main street he can see that there’s already decorations put up in storefronts, and his excitement for the holidays bubbles up in him. He almost forgets that he had gone to find food when he stops by a display in a window that sparkles so much that it’s almost unreal.

There’s a tiny figurine twirling on a single skate in a crystal pond, and he swears the details are so fine he can see the joy on their face as they spin. It’s like magic. He has his face nearly pressed up against the glass when someone speaks up behind him.

“Well, well… look who’s finally in Seoul again.”

It feels like ages since he’s heard that voice. And just like it did five years ago, it makes his heartbeat go into overdrive. Soonyoung turns to see Jeonghan approaching him, his hands tucked into his pockets wearing the same lopsided grin he’s always worn. In a suit no less, something that Soonyoung never expected to see him wearing in a million years. His hair is a lot shorter, and he pulls it off just like his long hair, though Soonyoung can’t help but feel a twinge of longing for how it used to feel running his fingers through it. 

All at once, as if the dam of time had been holding them back, the feelings Soonyoung harboured for him come crashing back over the shores.

“I heard you arrived, so I was wondering when we’d run into each other,” Jeonghan continues, coming over to stand beside him at the window. Soonyoung laughs, and he knows it sounds tight but he hopes it doesn’t come across the wrong way.

“Looks like it didn’t take you long to find me,” he replies, tucking his hands into his jacket pockets. Jeonghan smiles, softly and fondly.

“It’s easy to find you, I know you too well,” he replies. “But I wasn’t even trying tonight. I was actually just getting out of work.”

From the look of him it seemed to be some kind of office work, which Soonyoung thinks doesn’t suit Jeonghan at all. Even if he does look good in a collared shirt.

“Did you want to come with me to get dinner?” Soonyoung asks. He knows he sounds a bit too hopeful, like he’s worried Jeonghan will reject him.

“I’d love to,” Jeonghan says. “I know a good place not too far from here. It’s got the best chicken.”

His smile is knowing, and it only gets bigger when Soonyoung ducks his head sheepishly. They set off, their footsteps falling in sync, and it feels familiar, it feels easy. Their long nights walking together, along the river and through back roads to the convenience store, warm afternoons from school back to the train station. He may be predictable, but predictable feels so good. And tonight he couldn’t be happier for it.

———

The place Jeonghan brings him to is more of a bar, but it does serve chicken like he promised. They put in two orders of wings, then situate themselves at a booth side by side. The proximity makes a bead of sweat roll down Soonyoung’s neck, and he tries to roll up his sleeves to combat it, even though he knows it’s not from the heating.

“So, Japan.” Jeonghan leans his elbow on the table while flicking through the drink menu. Soonyoung wonders if his usual order has changed at all, or if he’s trying to stall for some reason. His eyes follow the tips of Jeonghan’s fingers as they slide down the edge of the pages. He clears his throat.

“Yeah, it was fun,” he says, and Jeonghan’s eyes lift from the text. There’s something to them Soonyoung can’t quite place, and he feels a bit restless as Jeonghan seems to examine him. After a while, he chuckles.

“You’ve been gone so long, I forgot just how good you looked.” From anyone else, Soonyoung would have assumed this is flirting, but Jeonghan has always been like this. And that’s the problem. Soonyoung is so used to Jeonghan’s teasing that he can never be sure when it’s truly genuine. Even if he desperately wants it to be.

So he laughs. Like he always does.

“And you just seem to get better with age, Jeonghan,” he says back, his fingers fidgeting on the table top.

Jeonghan reaches out and squeezes his thigh, but it’s Jeonghan so Soonyoung doesn’t think much of it. And he’s lying to himself because it’s all his brain can focus on now.

He wonders if Jeonghan can feel his eyes burning into his back as he walks away to get their drinks, because he can’t make himself be subtle to save his life. When he loses sight of Jeonghan he turns in on himself and closes his eyes, breathing deeply. He knows he’s acting like he’s got a high school crush, and in many ways he’s picking up where he left off, despite the fact that both have them have already graduated college. Jeonghan has an office job for god’s sake.

But as Jeonghan comes back with two bottles in hand, his eyes shining down at Soonyoung, the butterflies that plagued him like indigestion come back in full force.

“So, how’s your job?” Soonyoung asks, delving into safe territory. Jeonghan sits down beside him, a little too much in his space, and opens the first bottle. He hands it to Soonyoung and hums.

“Boring, but it pays well enough. I’m sure you’ve got much more interesting stories to tell me about your time abroad,” he says, drinking from his own bottle and eyeing Soonyoung. The air feels a little hot, and Soonyoung holds the cool bottle closer to himself, tearing his eyes away from Jeonghan to look at the decor.

“I doubt your life is that boring,” he offers, and before Jeonghan can reply someone comes to take their orders. Jeonghan tells the waiter what they want, and Soonyoung feels his stomach flip. Of course Jeonghan would remember exactly what he liked. He was always that considerate. When he turns back he seems oblivious to Soonyoung’s swooning, and carries on the conversation easily.

He recounts stories of idiotic customers and coworkers alike, about the budding office romance between Mingyu and Seungkwan that started off with them hating each others’ guts— and how they never gave up their bickering— which Soonyoung reacts to with fondness. He tells Jeonghan about his dance classes and all the food places that he should visit if he ever goes to Japan.

Their food arrives and they quickly realize how hungry they both were, going quiet for as long as it takes to wolf down the chicken. Soonyoung always thought Jeonghan looked cute with his cheeks full of food, but now— years after high school—, he feels the undercurrent of something stronger behind his affections. He swallows it down with a bite of chicken and nearly falls out of his seat when Jeonghan reaches over to wipe some sauce off of his mouth. He forgets how to speak for a second, so Jeonghan helpfully steps in.

They talk, and talk, and after a while Soonyoung realizes he hasn’t even looked at his phone once. He also keeps forgetting to drink, too busy telling Jeonghan about everything he’s learned abroad and listening to what he’s missed while he was away. He’s not even sure what time it is.

After a while, Jeonghan’s phone goes off, and he hazards a look at it with a reluctance Soonyoung has only seen from Jeonghan a few times, especially before an English exam. He lets out a little laugh and Jeonghan sighs.

“I should probably head back. I’ve got to go in early tomorrow for a meeting, even though I can’t stand the new manager.” He finishes off the last of his drink and stands up, throwing his suit jacket over his arm and tucking his phone into his pants pocket. “You don’t live far right?”

Soonyoung shakes his head and wipes his hands and mouth again before standing up.

“No, I’d say about ten minutes away.”

Jeonghan nods and motions for him to lead the way, and Soonyoung’s heart and stomach feel funny again. He’d claim it was heartburn or an upset stomach from eating too fast, but he knows these feelings. Antacids wouldn’t do much to fix them.

“I missed this,” he says as they walk, tucking his hands into his jacket. Jeonghan nods beside him, though if he knows what he’s agreeing to Soonyoung isn’t sure. He clarifies, “We used to go on walks all the time.”

“We did.” Jeonghan tips his head a little to look at him better, something unreadable in his eyes. His cheeks look a little flushed, but Soonyoung isn’t sure whether or not it’s from drinking or the cold air. Or something else entirely. He shakes his head and looks forward.

“I hope we can do this more, if we both have the time.” I missed you, he almost says. He doesn’t know why he can’t, but something stops him from saying it out loud.

They get back to his place too quickly, and Jeonghan hugs him briefly and waves as they say goodbye, and then Soonyoung is left with his apartment. It felt like there was so much he should have said that he didn’t. He wonders if Jeonghan feels the same. He looks up at the moon and watches his breath form a cloud that rises up and disappears into the night sky. He inhales and then he walks in, locks the door, and exhales.

———

It’s morning. Soonyoung feels restless, having tossed and turned all night. His dreams were sporadic, short bursts he can’t quite grasp, just pieces that don’t fully form.

He turns around in his living room, takes in the boxes all around him, then bends over his coffee table to turn his TV on. He doesn’t care what channel, he just needs the noise. He’s not used to it being quiet at home. His heart aches for the chatter of his dance partners in Japan, he misses them drinking and watching awful dramas until the sun started to peek its face above the horizon.

He checks his phone. Seokmin and Minghao should be here soon, and he lets himself fall onto the couch. Even with the noise of the TV to distract him, his mind wanders off.

One day back and he already saw his best friend and his long time crush. He reaches up and rubs his eyes, drags his fingers down his cheeks. He doesn’t feel that much different, but it feels like his hometown is a whole new place, but altogether the same.

It’s a bizarre feeling.

He doesn’t dwell in it long before there’s a knock at the door, quickly followed by the ringing of his doorbell. He lurches up and heads to the door, swinging it open to Seokmin’s dazzling smile and Minghao’s comforting presence filling the doorframe.

“Get in here!” he cries, ushering them in. They try and take off their shoes at the same time he pulls them each into a hug— Seokmin first, then Minghao.

Minghao in high school was a totally different person from the man standing in front of him now. Of course he had seen pictures of him through his social media— updates and videos that illustrated how much he changed in the years they’d been apart—, but it was nothing compared to seeing him in person.

The Minghao he had known was cute, not nearly as talkative, and nowhere near as confident. Even the way he smiled at Soonyoung had him feeling like he was looking at a whole new person.

“It’s so good to see you again,” he says, wrapping his arms around Soonyoung. He’s wearing a coat that looks more expensive than Soonyoung could reasonably afford, and glasses perched on the end of his nose that Soonyoung doesn’t remember him ever needing.

He pulls away a little reluctantly, mainly because he hasn’t seen him in a long time, partly because he’s undeniably hot and he wishes he could hold him a lot longer. Minghao smiles at him again, a little crooked, and for a second it reminds him of Jeonghan. He wonders how often they hang out together.

Suddenly there’s a bottle of wine in his hands, and he blinks down at it in surprise. Minghao shrugs.

“It’s a housewarming gift, even though I know you don’t drink much,” he says, with a little grin. Soonyoung pouts and shoves his shoulder lightly.

“I’ll have you know I’ve gotten a lot better, actually! My classmates in Japan only found me asleep by the toilet once while I was there.” Seokmin tosses his head back and laughs, already going through boxes to help put things away. Soonyoung sets the wine down and follows him, helping him with heavier boxes.

Once he’s alone with Seokmin in the bathroom, he feels himself hit his tipping point.

“So,” he starts, tucking bottles into his medicine cabinet. Seokmin straightens up— he knows that tone. Soonyoung purposefully avoids looking at him. “I saw Jeonghan yesterday.”

Seokmin’s mouth and eyes go wide as anything. He puts down the things in his hands and offers Soonyoung his full, undivided attention. That’s something Soonyoung always loved about Seokmin— he can talk and talk and talk, but he knows when to really listen.

“He just showed up when I went out to get dinner. And well, we got dinner together.” Seokmin gasps, enthralled.

“I mean this place is close to his office, but what a coincidence,” he whispers, his eyes flitting over to the door like Minghao might come in any second. Or Jeonghan, somehow.

“I know!” Soonyoung hisses, tucking another bottle in the cabinet. “He even walked me home!”

Seokmin covers his mouth. Soonyoung knows he’s holding in a shriek, and he holds them there for a second before he breathes out in a rush.

“Did he…” Seokmin purses his lips, and Soonyoung tosses what he’s holding back in the box. His ears feel hot all of the sudden.

“No! He didn’t, he just hugged me and went back to his place.” Soonyoung averts his eyes and stares deep into the box, reliving last night. Reliving the idea of what could have been, how easy it would have been to just kiss Jeonghan there, in the height of his own feelings.

“What did you guys talk about? Did you say anything about it?” Seokmin asks, his voice rising a little in volume. There’s a noise from the living room, and Seokmin ducks down, like they’ve been caught. Soonyoung for his part shuts his mouth tight, and stares at the door. It’s not like they can’t tell Minghao, and honestly he’s surprised Seokmin hasn’t said anything about his huge, embarrassing crush in all this time.

“Just normal things, how Japan was. What he’s been up to at work. Mingyu and Seungkwan, which no one ever told me about,” he says, accusingly and pointedly at Seokmin. He smiles sheepishly.

“That’s a new development. I’m shocked they didn’t tell you themselves.” Soonyoung tucks that into the back of his mind for later, to hold over their heads. He gets back to the topic at hand.

“I didn’t say anything, how could I? That would be a hell of a thing to drop on him my first day back!”

Seokmin grins. “Yeah,” he says, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, “but how romantic would that be? It’d be just like a drama.” He sounds wistful, and Soonyoung snorts.

“Not everyone can be a Minghao,” he replies, going back to sorting through the box in front of him.

“They sure can’t,” Minghao says, poking his head into the bathroom. Soonyoung and Seokmin nearly leap out of their skin, and Seokmin nearly drops his box. Minghao laughs and looks between them.

“Something I’m missing?” he asks, pushing the door open a little more. Soonyoung shakes his head.

“Just Seokmin meddling in my love life,” Soonyoung whines, finally discovering his toothbrush. He sets it on the shelf above the sink.

“Oh, you mean your crush on Jeonghan?” Soonyoung drops his own box right onto his foot, and chokes on the curse he lets out.

“How do you know?” Seokmin says, his mouth wide open once more. Minghao shakes his head and rolls his eyes until he’s staring at the ceiling.

“I’m perceptive. And Soonyoung is obvious. I’ve known since I first met you guys in high school,” he explains, leaning against the doorframe. Soonyoung whines again, putting his head in his hands.

“Then Jeonghan must know too. He’s so smart and observant,” he moans.

“Maybe,” Minghao continues. “But people in love can be incredibly oblivious, even if they’re the most perceptive person in the world. Trust me, I know.”

Soonyoung still has his head in his hands, so he misses the look Minghao and Seokmin give each other. Minghao, a little sheepish, his ears tipped pink, and Seokmin’s sunny, bashful smile. He reaches out for Minghao’s hand and squeezes it lightly, and Soonyoung looks up again.

“Still, I bet he thinks it’s hilarious. He flirted with everyone and I was dumb enough to fall for it.” He sighs and sits down heavily on the toilet seat, running a tired hand through his hair. Minghao frowns, sucks his bottom lip into his mouth and says nothing.

“Well you won’t know how he feels until you tell him how you feel,” Seokmin offers, gently. Soonyoung throws his arms up and leans back, his head resting on the wall.

“That’s easy enough to say!” He crosses his arms over his chest, and goes through scenarios in his head. Every one of them ends badly, or at least not the way he wants them to. How badly he wants them to. “You’re not the one telling him.”

Minghao slips further into the room and wraps his arms around Soonyoung. It startles him, and he looks up into the calm, calculated expression that fills his vision. Minghao is really looking at him, making sure he’s paying attention.

“Nothing comes from nothing. If you want to know, you have to act. Otherwise, you could go your whole life wondering what if.”

Soonyoung knows he’s right, of course he’s right, he’s the smartest person in the room. The only problem is believing it, and finally doing something about it.

Luckily, fate likes to step in every so often. His phone goes off in his pocket, and Minghao pulls away, and he gets a message asking him to roll the dice and play.

———

It’s snowing gently by the time Soonyoung arrives at the market. He hovers by the entrance, eyes the nearest booth that’s offering hot drinks, and then checks his phone. Jeonghan says he’s a few minutes away, so Soonyoung walks in and goes to grab a drink. It’s not terribly cold out, but as his fingers wrap around the paper cup warmth radiates all the way through him.

He feels an arm loop around his waist and bring him in, and he smiles up at Jeonghan, since there’s no one else it could be.

“Sorry, I got a little caught up with my roommate, I hope you weren’t waiting long.”

As much as Soonyoung wants to say he would wait forever just to get to see him, he holds his tongue.

“No,” he says instead, because he really didn’t. “I pretty much just got here.”

Jeonghan squeezes his side, a soft smile across his chilled-pink lips, and he orders himself an apple cider.

The marketplace is busy at midday, so every stall is bustling with at least a small line. It doesn’t matter much to them, since they’re mostly browsing, until Soonyoung stops at a small jewellery shop. A pair of delicate looking dragonfly pins glitter in the high afternoon sun, making them look almost lifelike.

He traces around them with a gloved finger. A certain afternoon comes to mind— him and Jeonghan, laughing and chasing down dragonflies in a field behind the school during recess, their knees scraped and their nets tangled, shrieking any time one flew too close.

He remembers watching Jeonghan carefully place two into a bug house and then snap the lid shut with a fearful yelp, then laugh at his own fright. The little bugs crawled along the bottom, their wings folded up, and Soonyoung marvelled at their shiny bodies and glistening eyes.

Suddenly he can’t leave the stall without the pins, and when Jeonghan starts to walk off he slips from his arm and picks them up.

“They’ll be 20,000 won,” the salesperson says. Soonyoung fishes his wallet out and hands the cash over, tucking one of the pins into Jeonghan’s palm. Jeonghan looks speechless, staring at the dragonfly for a while. Finally he looks up into Soonyoung’s eyes. There’s something too open about the look on his face, like he just had a minor revelation. Like he just remembered something important. And then it’s gone and his warm, lopsided smile replaces it.

“Thank you, Soonyoung. It’s beautiful,” he says, looking down to pin it to his lapel. When he reaches for Soonyoung again, he takes his hand, and their fingers entwine like it’s the most natural thing in the world. And maybe it is.

They only stop again to grab lunch, and the whole time Soonyoung can’t stop looking at the pin, the way it sparkles in the sunlight, just like Jeonghan’s eyes. It’s only when Jeonghan points out he hasn’t touched his food that he ducks his head and pays attention to his soup instead of the man in front of him.

He manages to get through his soup without it going cold— and getting too distracted by the snowflakes in Jeonghan’s lashes—, and he counts that as a victory. He watches him get up first to toss out their garbage, and follows behind him. He takes a second to really look at Jeonghan without him looking back, through the crowd that has gathered in the picnic area.

High school doesn’t seem that far away, and in all honesty he doesn’t feel like he’s grown up much. He feels like the same Soonyoung he was when he left, just with a few more years of dance practice.

Jeonghan has a full-time job, he’s cut his hair, his fashion is more sophisticated— adult. But he’s still Jeonghan, he still sneaks food from under Soonyoung’s nose and gets frustrated when little things go wrong. He speaks in a cute way to get Soonyoung’s attention, though it makes Soonyoung feel like a little like a child now.

He’s only a year younger, but in this moment he feels their age like a weight on his chest. He feels somewhat left behind.

And then Jeonghan looks back at him.

The grin that Jeonghan gives at him throws him back into memory, of the times he would follow Jeonghan without question. He enabled him in everything he did, and in many ways he thinks he’d still do the same now. There’s something in Jeonghan’s look that reminds him of those days: of hiding in closets and conspiring in the back of the class, sharing a single look before teasing their friends from both sides, hardly needing to even speak to know what the other was thinking. Now he isn’t quite sure what goes on in Jeonghan’s head, and the realization frightens him. At the same time, however, it’s somewhat exciting.

It’s not that this Jeonghan is entirely different, but it’s like he has to learn him anew. He likes the challenge. Maybe it was the distance, or the time, or some combination of the two, but there’s a stranger and a friend walking a few steps ahead of him now. And he’s determined to do away with the stranger. He wants to be in his head again, to know what he’s thinking without saying a word.

They finally make it all the way through the market, every stall perused and pondered, and walk back out into the street. Their hands swing between them, carefree and unhurried. They don’t have anywhere to be— Soonyoung can unpack whenever he wants to, and Jeonghan’s done work on a half-day. The day is theirs.

“What are you thinking about?” Jeonghan asks, breaking the comfortable silence. Soonyoung looks down and watches their boots make marks in the snow, trying to think about what he was just thinking about. He isn’t sure he wants to bring up how he feels about Jeonghan right now. The timing feels right, and he’s pretty certain this is a date because he isn’t sure what else to call it, but again he stops himself.

Nothing comes from nothing echoes in his head. He tells Minghao to be quiet.

“I just remembered how I used to enable you so much in school. You really were a troublemaker,” he says. That feels fine. And he isn’t lying about his thoughts either. Jeonghan squeezes his hand and laughs.

“Who says I’m not one now?” he replies, looking at Soonyoung from the corner of his eye, the glint of mischief clear as day.

He runs forward suddenly, towards the bridge ahead of them, and Soonyoung shouts and chases after him. His heart feels like it’s flying out of nowhere, and Jeonghan lets out a giggle and turns around, a snowball held tightly in his palms. Soonyoung has a second to react, and it’s a second too late.

It hits him right in the chest and explodes out— it feels like he sees it in slow motion, Jeonghan’s face coming into view behind the flying bits of snow. Soonyoung gasps and drops down, grabbing snow as fast as he can to pack it into a snowball.

Jeonghan’s eyes go bright and eager and he turns to run, but Soonyoung’s faster— he has dancer legs and while Jeonghan used to be on track, he’s gone soft from office work. Soonyoung catches up and hits him in the neck, and Jeonghan yells and whips around to grab him by the arms. He’s laughing, high and light, and Soonyoung freezes.

He’s breathtaking. Soonyoung wishes he could take a picture of this moment and save it forever. He wants to kiss him until he can’t breathe either, he wants to knock him into the snow and press his face into his chest.

It’s enough of a distraction that he gets a face full of snow next. He should have seen this coming.

Jeonghan runs off again, grabbing more snow from the handrail, and Soonyoung comes up behind him and wraps his arms around his chest, pushing Jeonghan’s arms down.

“That’s cheating!” Jeonghan gets loose, but he doesn’t pull out of Soonyoung’s arms. He turns around so they’re facing each other instead, and suddenly the childish joy from the past few minutes changes, and they’re just looking at each other.

“You cheated first,” Soonyoung says. Jeonghan raises an eyebrow, chuckles, and lifts his hand to brush the melting snow off Soonyoung’s cheeks.

“You should have seen that coming…” Soonyoung leans into his hand, and Jeonghan keeps it there. Soonyoung wants him to make the first move, to prove to him he isn’t seeing things where they aren’t. He hopes his eyes are saying what his mouth refuses to.

Jeonghan brushes his thumb over Soonyoung’s cheek again and then drops his hand, and Soonyoung tries to hold his disappointment in. It must show a little on his face because Jeonghan flinches a little, and his arm runs down Soonyoung arm to take his hand again.

“You must be cold,” he says. “We should get inside.”

The moment passes, fleeting, faltering. Soonyoung lets go of his held breath.

———

There’s a tree waiting for him in his living room when he gets home- it’s not real, and it’s not very big, but he smiles at it all the same. He immediately texts Seokmin—the only one with a spare key— before he even takes his outerwear off, and says thank you. He laughs when Seokmin feigns surprise at being caught.

There’s two little presents under the tree two, and he texts him and Minghao and tells them they didn’t have to, and they both respond defensively right away, because _of course they had to get him something it’s his first Christmas back home how dare you Kwon Soonyoung you better get me something good back._

Well there’s no way he’s not getting all his friends the best Christmas presents this year, and he sends them texts assuring them not to worry, he’s ready to max out his card just to get them the biggest and most amazing gifts to ever exist.

His fingers itch to open them right away, but he knows he has to wait. So he turns his back to the tree and walks into his room. There’s still so much to unpack, so to motivate himself he tries to pretend they’re all presents littered around his room.

It lasts a good twenty minutes, and then he’s tired of the back and forth of putting things away and hanging clothes. He sits on his bed and takes a swig from a water bottle, eyeing the seemingly endless amount of boxes. He sighs, swallowing.

As he trudges through each one, his mind wanders. And that’s a dangerous thing. He thinks back on the past couple days, about all the little moments him and Jeonghan had, about what Seokmin and Minghao said, and about the weird feelings that have been dwelling inside him.

“Maybe if you just told him how you felt you wouldn’t be so frustrated,” he reasons with himself, out loud. He huffs and pushed a box aside, ripping tape off the one behind it. “Maybe if you made the first move you’d at least know if he liked you back.”

He finds photos in this box, his yearbooks and old drawings Minghao and Mingyu used to give to him on special occasions or just because. He sifts through them, a sad smile playing over his lips, and sets the box aside. It would be better to go through that box another day.

He realizes how hungry he is out of nowhere, and heads to the kitchen, to another mountain of boxes, and sighs as he starts to go through them for a pot or pan. He’ll need a bowl and utensils too, since most of what he bought is rice and noodles, which he knows is in a separate box from the cookware.

The ringing of his phone interrupts his little pity party, and he walks over to where it is on the counter, answering it right away when he sees that it’s Seungkwan.

“So you just thought you could come back and not visit in the first few days? You’re a bastard, Kwon Soonyoung.” He can’t help but smile. Same old Seungkwan.

“I missed you too, jerk. I’ve been a bit busy the past couple days,” he explains, finally finding a pot. He fills it in the sink and starts it to boil.

“Not busy enough to see Seokmin. Or Minghao. Or Jeonghan!” He feels Seungkwan’s words like he’s physically there hitting him in the shoulder. He laughs and goes to the other boxes to keep looking for some chopsticks.

“Seokmin picked me up from the airport and offered to help me unpack. I don’t recall such a favour from you, now do I?” He’s prodding an angry bear, but maybe it’ll get Seungkwan here to dropkick him in person.

“Well, now I’m not going to help you unpack anything. Too busy to see your best friend to spend time with your crush instead.” Seungkwan sniffs into the mic, right into Soonyoung’s ear. He pulls the phone away with a wince.

“You know Seokmin is my best friend too? And Minghao and Jeonghan?”

There’s interference on the other end and suddenly another voice is on the line.

“Hi hyung, welcome back!” He’d recognize that voice anywhere, and he laughs warmly. His fingers stroke the back of his phone, feeling an overwhelming fondness in his chest— sure Seungkwan is sharp, but he knows there’s so much love behind it, and Mingyu’s always held a special place in his heart. He feels a little overwhelmed.

“Hi Mingyu, thank you!” he says back, and then the phone is wrestled back into Seungkwan’s hand from the sound of it.

“You have too many best friends, Soonyoung. And you’re not off the hook, you know. You better come to karaoke night,” Seungkwan bites, sounding more petulant as he goes. Soonyoung finds some metal chopsticks and clinks them together in the mic.

“I’d never miss a karaoke night,” he says.

“Say that to me last week, when you did. And the previous several years.” Seungkwan isn’t angry anymore, and Soonyoung can hear the genuine tone in his voice. He knows how much Seungkwan missed him, and he feels just the same. He hopes Seungkwan can hear the smile in his voice when he replies.

“I promise, I’m already there.”

———

The karaoke room is as crowded as it always is, the too small room trying to hold their too large group. He arrives a bit late, shoving himself onto the couch beside Minghao. He turns his head to smile at Soonyoung, putting his arm over his shoulder.

“Glad you could make it, we’ve missed you’re dulcet tones.” Soonyoung scrunches his nose up at him and Minghao laughs. Seokmin all but clambers over Minghao’s lap to hug Soonyoung, and he swears Seokmin’s misty-eyed when he pulls back.

“Don’t cry,” Soonyoung tells him, and Seokmin sticks his tongue out at him, touching near his eyes just in case.

“Aren’t we missing some?” Soonyoung asks. Normally they were eight, and he hasn’t actually heard from some of the others since he got back.

“Jeonghan’s on his way,” Minghao says, knowing exactly what Soonyoung means. He feels his cheeks burn a bit. “And Wonwoo and Seungcheol are in Japan, for their honeymoon.”

Soonyoung’s jaw drops.

“Did anyone else get together without telling me? They got married and they didn’t even let me know? They must have been in Japan at the same time as me!”

Seokmin reaches over and hands him a shot glass. “They actually left the day your flight was coming in, they were a bit secretive about it. They didn’t tell everyone.”

Soonyoung pouts and knocks the shot back, placing it down on the table.

“They should have told me, though,” he whines. Just then, the door to the room opens and Jeonghan comes in, taking off his suit jacket. Soonyoung’s mind forgets what he was just annoyed about and focuses entirely on Jeonghan’s broad shoulders and messy hair.

“I’m ditching a work get-together to be here, you better make it worth my while,” Jeonghan says, moving to the other couch and immediately leaning back on what little space it offers before spreading his legs, making himself comfortable. Soonyoung forces down the thoughts about sitting in his lap, or even sparing a glance between his legs. He focuses his attention elsewhere, on Mingyu and Seungkwan in the corner, fiddling with the remote.

“How many times have we been here and you can’t figure out how to use the remote every single time?” Seungkwan says, staring up at Mingyu in an impressive display of exasperated fondness. Mingyu shrugs sheepishly and lets Seungkwan take complete control over the remote.

“I swear, we always seem to get a broken one,” he replies, pouting. Seungkwan rolls his eyes.

“For someone so smart, I can’t believe the smallest things can stump you.” Seungkwan easily types in a song and gets it to start, ushering Mingyu to Jeonghan’s couch to sit while he readies himself at the mic.

They go through their usual rounds, minus Jeonghan who only shows up for drinks and camaraderie. Minghao goes from airy poetic indie music to some quick Chinese rap they can’t even begin to follow along with; Seungkwan makes sure every other room can hear him through the walls, belting along to Wonder Girls and SNSD with a passion few share; Mingyu surprises them with a soft love song that leaves Seungkwan a little red in the face, enough to tell under the low light; Soonyoung sticks to his go-tos— SHINee b-sides, title tracks and solos; and Seokmin puts on his most rousing rendition of classic rock ballads, leaning into the mic until he’s bent in half singing to the floor tiles.

During one of Seokmin’s songs, Soonyoung looks across the room and catches Jeonghan watching Seokmin with a look he can only describe as longing. His stomach goes funny, and he feels like he saw something he shouldn’t. He takes a shot of soju and pays attention to the lyrics passing by on screen instead.

They’re a few bottles in when Jeonghan stands up and reaches for the remote. No one moves to stop him, and Soonyoung feels their excitement under his own skin as well— Jeonghan has never sung at karaoke before. He always claimed to be too shy, and so this step forward seems significant.

He holds the mic gently, and bobs his head so slightly to the intro count. When the beat comes in it’s slow, it’s sultry. And when he starts to sing, the whole room seems to fall under a spell.

His voice is high, breathy. It’s too much. Soonyoung feels his breath in his throat, watches as Jeonghan turns and catches his eye for a second. And then looks away, staring intently a little to his left. He turns his head, sees Seokmin transfixed, and his heart sinks a bit.

Jeonghan then closes his eyes and finishes the song like that, his voice dripping sensual, the obvious subtext of the lyrics not lost on anyone in the room, and Soonyoung squirms in his seat. He can’t ignore the looks Jeonghan has been giving Seokmin all night, but he can’t seem to connect the dots properly in his head. He takes another shot of soju and feels Jeonghan’s voice follow it down.

By the time he finishes, Soonyoung has has two more shots, and the room is spinning. Jeonghan puts the mic back on the table and sits back down, and he makes eye contact with Soonyoung again, his brows furrowed. Soonyoung’s stomach swoops, in a weird way that he doesn’t really like.

Their timer runs out, and no one moves to add another hour. Mingyu yawns, a bit too theatrically and over the top, and Seungkwan touches his arm.

“I think we’re done for the night,” he says, getting up and jumpstarting the rest of them to stand up and say goodbye. Soonyoung stumbles a bit to the door, and feels someone loop their arm around his back. He leans into the touch.

The walk back goes in a blur. He knows someone is helping him home, and he thinks he can recognize the voice. Out of the corner of his eye he sees sweeping eyelashes, and dark hair. It doesn’t help much. He focuses on moving his feet instead.

He’s only a little aware of saying goodbye to someone in front of his house. He hugs them, feels their lips on his cheek and laughs. Kisses their cheek too.

He doesn’t get changed when he gets inside. He crawls into bed and closes eyes, and then he can’t remember anything more.

———

Morning passes. And then afternoon. Soonyoung rolls over and checks his phone, and the brightness makes him shrink back. His head hurts, so he blinks a few times to get adjusted. He finally makes out the time and sits up in bed, groans=ing at the sudden movement. He slept in so late, too late.

He slides himself off the bed and trudges to the kitchen to get himself water, chugging as much as he can get down and leaning heavily on the counter. Hungover, not a lot hungover, but hungover. He can handle that.

He remembers a bit of last night— longing looks, Jeonghan’s voice, Seokmin.

He wants to go back to bed.

He knows his phone must be overloaded with messages, but he has no energy to even bother checking. He gets into the shower, gets dressed, gets himself something to eat. He doesn’t want to think, so for the rest of the afternoon he just turns the TV on and watches it.

There’s a knock at the door. He looks over at it like he didn’t realize it could do that, sees how dark it is outside, and then remembers he’s been ignoring his friends all day. They probably think he’s dead. He rushes over, and as he does he realizes that it doesn’t make him feel dizzy. That’s at least a relief. Then he sees Jeonghan through the peephole, and all the air escapes his lungs.

“Fuck,” he breathes. He braces himself against the door for a second, and then he opens it.

He looks into his eyes, sees a whole mess of emotion, and he can only imagine his is a near exact mirror.

“Can I come in?” Jeonghan asks. He seems unsure, and Soonyoung is unsure. He can’t seem to decide whether or not he should just close the door and crawl back in bed or just jump into Jeonghan’s arms. He doesn’t think he can do either.

Instead, he nods, and opens the door a little wider.

Jeonghan takes his shoes off at the entrance, then walks over to the couch, loosening his tie along the way. He must have just gotten off of work. He curls one foot under himself as he sits down, resting his arms in his lap. Soonyoung grabs the bottle of wine, the housewarming gift from Minghao, and pours him out a glass, acutely aware when their fingers brush when Jeonghan takes it from him.

“I think I need to explain myself,” Jeonghan says. Soonyoung just nods. He doesn’t trust himself to talk.

“I missed you Soonyoung. We all did,” Jeonghan starts, and Soonyoung offers him a funny look. Jeonghan shakes his head, takes a sip of wine and tries again.

“Last night shouldn’t have happened. I drank too much, and I let myself get too affected. Some feelings resurfaced where they shouldn’t have.” He sighs, tips his head back. Soonyoung just watches him, with not a single idea where Jeonghan will go from here.

“I want you to know did harbour a bit of a crush on Seokmin for a while,” Jeonghan admits, casting his eyes down. Soonyoung feels a swoop in his stomach, and it’s an echo of the night before. He really doesn’t like it. “But Minghao was the one he ended up with, and I’ve accepted that for a while now. It took me too long to ever make a move, and before I knew it someone else swept him away. Not that he was really mine to take.”

Jeonghan looks into his glass of wine. His smile is sad, but it’s faded at the edges. He finally lifts his eyes and looks right at Soonyoung.

“I got over it, or I thought I did.” He frowns, sets their glasses down on the table and reaches out to take Soonyoung’s in his. “No, I did… but I won’t let a chance like that slip by again.”

“What are you saying?” Soonyoung asks. He’s been confused ever since Jeonghan started talking. Whatever he’s trying to say isn’t making any sense to Soonyoung. He knows Jeonghan likes Seokmin, that much is clear. So why did he have to come here and rub it in his face?

“Seokmin wasn’t the only one I had a crush on, you know,” Jeonghan says, leaning forward. He’s so close now, and his eyes are intense, fixed on Soonyoung.

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t remember? You kissed me, that night Seungcheol threw a party and never told his parents.”

Soonyoung can only stare, equal parts confused and shocked. He thinks he should remember that, and almost begs his mind to conjure up the memory. Uselessly and fruitlessly, he comes up blank.

“I guess you forgot, which makes sense,” Jeonghan says, his gaze flicking between both of Soonyoung’s eyes. Soonyoung feels like he can see so much more than just the surface, as if he can see through him. His hand trails up Soonyoung’s arm. “You were kind of drunk.”

He wracks his brain again, harder this time as if he just wasn’t trying enough before, but for the life of him he can’t recall what Jeonghan’s talking about. His breath is caught in his throat, unable to look away from Jeonghan’s eyes. They’re so warm, intoxicating.

“After that night, I was never able to get you out of my head.” Soonyoung’s lips part. He sees Jeonghan’s eyes flick down to them. He’s so close, too close. It’s getting harder to breathe.

“Hopefully this time… you’ll remember,” Jeonghan mumbles before leaning in and pressing his lips to Soonyoung’s softly.

It’s everything Soonyoung hoped for. His brain is fuzzy still, but it feels clear at the same time. Jeonghan’s mouth is firm on his, insistent, eager. He closes his eyes and kisses back, his hands holding Jeonghan’s tightly, before trailing his hands from his wrists to grips his shirt, pulling Jeonghan closer.

Jeonghan whimpers and tilts his head into the kiss, bringing his arms up to wrap around Soonyoung’s shoulders.

When they finally pull apart, Soonyoung presses his forehead to Jeonghan’s and breathes heavily.

“This better not be a prank,” he whispers, feeling a tear roll down his cheek. Jeonghan shakes his head, a soft noise escaping his lips.

“I’ve never been more serious in my life.”

Soonyoung leans back and holds him at arm’s length, and stares. He stares at Jeonghan hard, tries to see the ghost of a lie on his face, but the expression on Jeonghan’s face is raw. Jeonghan’s thumb brushes away the tear stain left on his cheek, and Soonyoung’s eyes water more.

“I realized I was in love with you a little too late too. The night you left for Japan I cried for hours, I cried myself to sleep. I felt like I was never going to see you again. Four years felt like an eternity.”

Soonyoung is speechless. He has to be dreaming, there’s no other way this makes sense to him.

“That long? And you never told me?” he asks, watching Jeonghan’s lips curl into a brilliant smile.

“You’re one to talk, how long would we have let this go on without saying a damn thing?”

Soonyoung can’t help it. He laughs. He laughs until it hurts, wrapping Jeonghan in a tight hug. He doesn’t ever want to let go.

“Kiss me again,” Jeonghan says. And Soonyoung does.

———

The wine sits forgotten on the coffee table, never even properly considered during their conversation. Minghao would probably kill him for wasting it, but Minghao doesn’t have to know.

They’ve long-since retreated to the bedroom, cold air on their heated skin, clothes haphazardly tossed off the side of the bed.

Soonyoung feels a bit out of breath, pulling Jeonghan closer until their lips just brush. It’s like the air is being sucked out of his lungs again, only now he’s chasing the feeling and his heart is pounding in his chest.

“I want you,” he says, speaking it into Jeonghan’s skin as he pulls the duvet up and over the both of them. Jeonghan’s hands runs up his body, feeling every inch of his skin until Soonyoung is truly breathless.

———

Soonyoung wakes up with an arm tossed over his chest, and hair brushing his nose. He takes things in slowly, one by one.

First, it’s hardly 8 AM, if his bedside clock is correct. He thinks it is. About seventy percent sure. Second, the hair is on someone else’s head, not his, and it takes a few moments for his mind to clear enough to remember whose head it is.

Which brings him to the third thing, and that’s stopping himself from jumping out of bed and screaming out the window. Instead, he calmly smooths Jeonghan’s hair down and stares, a little dumbfounded.

Their conversation last night comes back to him, little by little. This morning is a complete antithesis to the morning before. His heart feels like it’s trying to fly out of his chest. He can hardly contain himself— Yoon Jeonghan is in his bed. Yoon Jeonghan kissed him. He kissed Yoon Jeonghan.

He doesn’t know how long they stay like that until Jeonghan finally stirs in his sleep, his eyes slowly opening and turning to look up at Soonyoung.

“Morning,” Soonyoung mumbles. Jeonghan laughs, soft, as quiet as a sunrise.

“Morning,” he says back, groggy. Even his morning voice sounds hot, and Soonyoung almost whines about how unfair that is. Instead he leans down and presses a soft kiss to his lips.

“Breakfast?” Jeonghan nods, and makes no attempt to get out of bed. Soonyoung all but has to drag him to the kitchen.

With some food and coffee in his system, Jeonghan actually starts to look a little more human. He stops leaning against the precarious stack of boxes and instead just sits on one, mug balanced on his knee.

“Are you ever going to unpack this all?” he asks, grinning. It’s lopsided, it’s teasing, it’s Jeonghan. Soonyoung wants to look at it forever.

“Maybe someday. Maybe you could help me?” Soonyoung watches Jeonghan consider it for a moment, then shrugs.

“Depends on what I get out of it.” There’s definitely some not-so-hidden intentions behind his words, promises Soonyoung is more than willing to make good on.

He realizes last night was the first time Jeonghan’s been in his new apartment— he feels right at home there, perched on a box, drinking out of one of Soonyoung’s years old mugs. Bagel crumbs on his lips that he licks away. Like he’s been there forever. Like he could be there forever.

He looks at Jeonghan for a long moment, a question building in the back of his throat, until finally it slips past his lips.

“Would you like to come see my family?”

———

By all accounts, it wasn’t even a weird question. He’s posed it to his friends a few times, including Jeonghan. It’s the context, however, that changes things pretty significantly.

“Is your sister coming?”

They’ve been driving for a little while now, a couple bags tossed in the trunk and a pie that Soonyoung hastily made the night before sitting in the backseat. Wearing its seatbelt because it made Jeonghan laugh. Soonyoung takes his eyes off the road for a moment to meet Jeonghan’s gaze, and then looks at his lips because he has no control. He then looks back so he doesn’t accidentally crash.

“No, she couldn’t make it back in time from Rome. But that’s alright, at least my parents will have a child home for the holidays. I owe her after skipping the past few times.”

Jeonghan hums, tapping on his knee in time to the Christmas music that’s playing quietly on the radio. He keeps his eyes on Soonyoung, and it takes all of Soonyoung’s will not to stare back. He keeps his eyes on the road, and chews the inside of his cheek.

“It’s been a while though,” he continues. There’s an ache in his chest, a longing he’s managed to keep at bay for the past few years. The thought of seeing his mom’s smiling face and hearing his dad’s laugh again make him wish the drive there was just a bit shorter. He grips the steering wheel a little tighter.

He hasn’t even thought of what he would say to them. Coming home with Jeonghan feels so right he hasn’t even questioned his family’s reaction to it. Or if he’ll even bring it up. Hell, him and Jeonghan haven’t actually talked about what they are. His nerves and excitement swirl in his stomach uncomfortably.

Jeonghan, ever-perceptive, places his hand on Soonyoung’s and rubs his thumb over the back of it. The hurricane in Soonyoung’s stomach slows a little, enough that it’s bearable.

His mother meets them at the door. She kisses both of Soonyoung’s cheeks, then makes a delighted coo and pulls Jeonghan into a hug, who hugs her back full force. It didn’t really occur to him that it’s been years since she’s seen his friends too, and he feels a little guilty about it, but it’s nothing compared to the flips his stomach is making seeing Jeonghan and her getting along right away, like hardly a day had passed.

It’s not Jeonghan’s first time here, after all, and Soonyoung thinks it would be impossible for anyone not to love his parents. And he thinks it’s equally impossible for people not to love Jeonghan as well.

He watches them retreat down the hall, her arm looped through his, their laughter echoing back towards him. He comes in and closes the door softly, like he doesn’t want to disturb them, and removes his winter gear. His father pops his head out from a side room and waves, and old, warm smile spreading on his face. With another wave of his hand he ushers Soonyoung over and gives him a strong armed hug, patting his back with a gentle firmness.

“Happy holidays, son,” he says, “It’s nice to have you home.” Soonyoung doesn’t want to cry, but the years apart hit him all at once, and he just rests in his father’s arms just a second longer.

“I’m glad to be back,” he tells him.

“Come on, let’s bring that pie to the kitchen. We’re still working on dinner.” His father pats him on the back and leads him down the hall too. Soonyoung sets the pie on the counter and sees his mother there, without Jeonghan.

Soonyoung looks around, and quickly finds Jeonghan in the room adjacent.

It’s strange to see him reclined casually in the loveseat in his parents’ house while his parents bustle about in the kitchen preparing for dinner. Everything feels light, airy, almost dreamlike. It’s serene, though Soonyoung’s anything but.

He watches his mother chopping onions and his father filling a pot of water and even though neither of them are really paying any attention to him, he feels like his every move is being analyzed. He feels like the potatoes in the sink rubbed raw.

These feelings feel out of place to him, like there’s no real reason to be having them, and he really shouldn’t be. His parents haven’t acted any different towards him, and this isn’t the first time he’s come here with Jeonghan either. He just can’t stop the itch under his skin.

Instead he retreats to the living room, comes to the armrest beside Jeonghan’s relaxed form, and waits for his eyes to turn upwards. Time seems to move at latency, the flutter of his eyelashes, the tilt of his chin— Soonyoung is transfixed. He says the first thing that comes to mind.

“Wanna go feed the chickens?”

-

The snow squeaks underfoot, much deeper here then in the city, and he’s glad they both had enough farm experience to know they’d need taller winter boots here. In fact, remembering how often Jeonghan used to spend on a farm reminds Soonyoung how at ease he looks here. He looks like he belongs because he does, and the thought makes Soonyoung’s heart warm.

It’s not far to the coop, but the snow makes the trek feel so much longer. He wants to take Jeonghan’s hand, but he knows his parents could see from the back window that looks directly onto the yard from the kitchen. He wonders if they’re watching.

He wonders what they’re thinking.

He lifts the latch and lets the chickens out of their coop, watching them all shuffle out like a flock of tiny bourgeois, fluffing up their feathered collars against the cold. Soonyoung picks up the bucket of grain from beside the fence and grabs a handful, tossing it onto the snow inside their pen. Jeonghan’s hand slips in beside his when he goes to get more, and Soonyoung bites the inside of his cheek.

“Do they have names?” Jeonghan asks, tossing grain to the little flock that’s gathered in the center. They cluck jovially, pecking at the snow for their food. Soonyoung smiles to himself.

“Have I never told you before?” He laughs. Jeonghan looks at him curiously.

“I call them all Coco. I have since I was a kid, so it just sort of stuck,” he explains, his words puffing out into a cloud of white in front of him. Jeonghan laughs at that, and it’s bright and joyful, like the sun reflecting off the surface of their frozen pond.

After a couple more handfuls, Soonyoung sets the bucket down and leans on the fence instead, staring in at the chickens.

He can feel Jeonghan’s eyes on him and closes his own for a moment before meeting his gaze. They stay like that for a while, the frozen silence between them, and then Jeonghan opens his mouth to speak. Then closes it. He tries again.

“I’ve always thought about settling down on a farm kind of like this,” he says, looking back at the chickens. Soonyoung knows that’s not what he wanted to say, but he nods anyway.

“Me too,” he replies. His nose feels a little numb, and he scrunches it up. His lips too, so he purses them. “I imagine someday I might. And by then I may have found someone to settle down with too.”

Jeonghan gives him a long look, and then he leans over to nudge Soonyoung with his shoulder. It says more than he realizes.

“We’re still young,” he laughs. “We’ve still got time before we have to really think about that.”

Soonyoung laughs too, letting himself lean into the warmth of Jeonghan’s side. He thinks it feels right, especially when Jeonghan’s arm slides behind his back and his hand comes to rest on his hip. In a way, Jeonghan’s right, and they have lots of time to kill before he needs to worry about settling down. But here, his boots sunk in the crisp snow of Christmas time, on a humble farm with a few chickens clucking at his feet- here, he thinks, is where he’s going to end up. And he hopes he’s still in Jeonghan’s arms by then too.

———

Dinner is incredible, it’s just like Soonyoung remembers. While the food in Japan was amazing, nothing compares to his parents’ home cooked meals. Maybe the ones made by Seungkwan’s mother, but he’d never say that to his parents.

He recounts his time in Japan to his parents excitedly, because there’s plenty he told them while he was there, but plenty he couldn’t get to in their routine calls. They let him know the goings on of the farm, especially about the new chickens that hatched while he was gone, and Jeonghan talks city life oddities and the life of an office worker. His parents listen with fond looks on their faces, and to anyone looking in, it would seem like he was just another one of their children.

“Well now that you’re both done school, you must be thinking about marriage right?” Soonyoung’s mother asks. Soonyoung’s eyes flit towards Jeonghan, who looks back at him a little wide-eyed.

“Not really, mom,” he says, laughing. He hopes it’s not as nervous as he thinks it sounds. Now could not have been a worse time for this conversation. She hushes him and waves her hand, motherly chastising in every sense of the word.

“You haven’t talked about dating anyone the whole time you were away,” she says, and his father nods, looking at Soonyoung in amusement.

“You didn’t meet anyone nice in your time abroad?” he chimes in. There’s a warm twinkle in his eye, and Soonyoung knows they mean well, but he wants to be out of this conversation now.

“No, no one,” he insists. He sinks a little in his seat and looks up at the ceiling.

“Well then,” his mother huffs. “What about Jeonghan?”

Soonyoung almost falls out of his chair. He drops his head to stare at his mother incredulously, and she frowns, crossing her arms.

“What in the world makes you say that?” His voice is strained and a bit too loud, but he can’t really control it. She looks at him for a second and then sweeps her hand to Jeonghan sitting across from him at the table. He looks over to Jeonghan for help, only to find him staring blankly at Soonyoung’s mother.

“You brought him over an awful lot,” she says, as if that somehow clears everything up. His dad nods, unhelpfully.

“Only as much as I used to bring all my friends!” He feels a little hysterical. Did everyone somehow know about his crush on Jeonghan and didn’t tell him?

Across the table, Jeonghan shakes his head. He still looks a bit lost. “Actually, you did bring me over a lot more than the others.”

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. There’s no way this is happening. He wants to disappear into the floor. He doesn’t want to face whatever’s coming.

“So you’re not dating?” she asks, and for the life of him Soonyoung can’t tell why she sounds confused.

“I mean, no?” Technically they haven’t. He’s not lying, so why does it still feel bad. His father raises his eyebrows at him, and he can’t deal with this. He feels more confused than when Jeonghan confessed. His mother just sighs.

“It wouldn’t be bad if you were.” Now Soonyoung really feels like he’s lost his mind.

“We know,” Jeonghan says. Soonyoung turns his baffled stare onto him. Jeonghan stands up and goes to Soonyoung’s side.

“What are you doing?” Soonyoung asks. Jeonghan puts his hand on his shoulder and smiles at his parents.

“I do love him, though. I take it I have your blessing?” Soonyoung somehow fell into the Twilight Zone. He sees his mother’s eyes curve up, a smile on her face. She nods, teary-eyed. His dad looks happy too, but he’s unable to comprehend what’s going on.

He just squeezes when he feels Jeonghan link their fingers together.

———

After dinner they head to Soonyoung’s room, and as soon as the door closes Jeonghan is on him, kissing him fiercely. He starts with a jolt and pulls back, holding Jeonghan by the elbows.

“What the fuck just happened?” he hisses. Jeonghan laughs, his head resting on Soonyoung’s forehead.

“I think we just came out to your parents?”

Soonyoung moves to sit on the bed, and Jeonghan sits beside him, concern starting to etch into his features. His hand moves to Soonyoung’s back, rubbing small circles.

“And they were fine with it?” he asks. Jeonghan nods, his eyes searching Soonyoung’s face. His hand travels up into Soonyoung’s hair, running through the strands on his neck.

“Well, I guess that’s taken care of,” Soonyoung mutters, lying back on the bed. “I didn’t think it would be that easy.”

Jeonghan settles on his back beside him, a smile working its way back onto his face. Soonyoung turns his head to look at him, feeling a smile tug at his mouth too. He laughs, because he can’t believe it, and rolls onto his side to kiss Jeonghan.

He can’t stop smiling, and Jeonghan kisses every inch of it, then moves on to the rest of his face— his eyes, his cheeks, his nose, his chin, until every part of Soonyoung’s face has been kissed. And then he kisses him again, slowly, sweetly, pouring his heart into it.

They come back down to say goodbye to his parents, who see them off with a hug that brings the four of them all together, a tangle of arms and kisses to cheeks— mainly from Soonyoung’s mother— and they break apart in pairs. Soonyoung tucked into Jeonghan’s side and his parents with their arms around each others’ shoulders.

“Come again soon!” They tell Soonyoung and Jeonghan. They promise they will, for dinners and get-togethers and events of all kinds. It’s more than a promise to visit, Soonyoung knows. It’s a promise of family. He’s relieved he has a home to come back to, a home that loves him for him.

They pull out of the driveway, waving out their windows, and drive off until the house is just a yellow light in the rearview mirror.

———

The city welcomes them back with open arms, and empty roads. It’s dark, nearly midnight now, but the city is still alive and glowing.

Soonyoung watches the Christmas lights through his window, and suddenly taps on Jeonghan’s wrist to get his attention.

“Hm?”

“Pull over here,” Soonyoung says, pointing to a spot to the right. Jeonghan shoots him a look but does what he says, parking on the street alongside a small cobbled square filled with lights.

Soonyoung gets out and walks over to stare up at the large Christmas tree right in the middle, and Jeonghan chuckles and comes over to stand beside him.

“Is this what you wanted to stop for?” he asks. Soonyoung shakes his head, and faces Jeonghan.

“You know, I was right at dinner. We aren’t dating.” Jeonghan furrows his brow, and opens his mouth to speak. Soonyoung reaches up and places a finger over his mouth. “We aren’t dating because we never asked each other out. Let’s do this right.”

He pulls Jeonghan in close, wrapping his arms around his waist and tilting his chin up slightly to look in his eyes. Jeonghan looks back at him, the lights from the tree illuminating the side of his face and twinkling in his eyes.

“Yoon Jeonghan,” Soonyoung says. “Will you go out with me?”

Jeonghan leans in, brushes their noses together, and grins. Soonyoung waits, holding his breath. He knows the answer, but Jeonghan is taking his time. His hands run up Soonyoung’s chest, purposefully slow, until he reaches his face and cups his cheeks.

“Only if you kiss me first.”

Soonyoung’s more than happy to kiss him a thousand times. And then a thousand times more. And Jeonghan says yes.


End file.
